'AITA for refusing my boyfriend's demand to not dance at my cousin's wedding?'
"AITA for refusing my boyfriend's demand to not dance at my cousin's wedding?"
ProfitComfortable717
I (24F) am from an Indian/Bangladeshi background. My boyfriend (26M) is white. Though he has grown up in a more conservative way, he is still very chill about culture and tries to blend into it. We have been together for 3 years.
My cousin is getting married next week. Since it is a desi wedding, you can understand the planning has been going on for like a year. And the functions last for days.
So, we have this function called 'Holud' where people apply a turmeric mask on the bride, and there is also singing and dancing (for context: you can google 'haldi.' It is the same concept). My cousin's holud function would be as big as her wedding, and each member is requested to perform a dance number. I have 3 dances ready for the function.
One is my solo, another is a group dance, and the last one will be a couple's dance like they do in Bollywood. My boyfriend knows this, and he had no issue with it. He has been to Indian weddings before, so he knows the deal.
His issue is with the couple's dance. He doesn't want me to perform it. The couple's dance isn't very intimate. It's just a boy paired up with another girl, and they do dance steps together. I was paired up with a relative of mine, he is my mom's cousin's son (tbh I still have no idea how we are related, but we are).
I asked him what the problem is, and he told me he doesn't want me to dance with a random guy because it makes him look bad. And since I am committed to him, it would be like cheating. I am a bit confused. He didn't have a problem until now.
The dance rehearsals have been going on for 2 months. He has been to every rehearsal. I told him fine, I will see what I can do because I do not want to upset him.
Now he is saying I shouldn't be dancing at all. His reasons were that it seems inappropriate. No female member in his family ever danced at a wedding where they are the center of attention, and since I will be on the stage, people will be looking at me. He doesn't want that.
I tried my best to explain it to him that this is a part of my culture. I am not going to drop my culture just because he is uncomfortable. We had a fight, and he is not talking to me. He most probably won't come to the wedding as well. AITA?
Because I never wanted to do things that would hurt him. I am just trying to understand his perspective.
Just to remove confusion, my boyfriend was asked if he wants to take part in the couple's dance. He agreed at first, but after 2 days he said the steps were complicated. So we replaced him. And the song was not very intimate either. It was not sensual like salsa or twerking. This is the song and dance.
Here were the top rated comments after the initial post:
'he is my mom's cousin's son'
If your mom and his mom (or dad) are cousins, then you are second cousins.
You're dancing with your cousin in what is a cultural tradition. I fail to see how dancing with someone is considered cheating. NTA.
OP responded here:
This is the simplest form I could explain this lol. My mom's cousin is probably not directly her cousin. But yeah you can say he is 2nd or 3rd cousin.
He's being controlling. The fact that he thinks dancing with a cousin is 'cheating' and now doesn't want her dancing at all because of 'other people looking at her' is a serious concern. This sounds like the first steps to him trying to isolate her.
Your boyfriend is either insecure, jealous of the attention you'll get on stage, or both. This is controlling behavior no matter how you want to explain it away. NTA, but you should have fun at the wedding and dump the bf. This won't be the last time he tries to stop you from doing things you enjoy, trust that.
2 weeks later, OP returned with an update.
Ok, so I am done with the wedding stuff. Me and my boyfriend haven't contacted each other during the ceremony. I just told him via message that I had already promised my cousin about the dance. I cannot step down because the functions are near.
I told him I will talk to him once the wedding is done. I get no messages from him. I kept checking my phone. We have had fights and disputes, but we always text each other to let the other know we are fine.
I was worrying a lot. So, I called one of his friends, and they told me he is fine and doesn't want to talk. So, I thought he must be mad at me.
I became busy with the dance and wedding. Yes, I did perform the dance. No, I do not have the recordings with me now. I will get the official video after a month. Also, in case anyone is asking, I won't upload it because I don't want to give out my identity along with my cousin's.
So, after the dance, I messaged him, and he still didn't reply. Something was off. I went to message him on another social media account to see if I could get him to talk to me. But there I saw he was tagged in a post by his friends that they are at a strip club.
There was a video of him getting a dance. I was disgusted. There were multiple stories from them of my boyfriend taking lap dances and other nasty stuff. I tried to enjoy the rest of the ceremony, but I was upset. He finally called me the next morning. And we had a fight over the phone which my cousins heard.
Basically, he was angry with me and wanted to teach me a lesson to show that what I was doing is similar to him getting a dance from a stripper. I called him a sick man and broke up with him.
I am fine. The wedding kept me distracted. I had fun and looked nice in my 'ghagra choli'. My cousins were petty. Since they were still friends with my ex on social media, they were tagging him in every picture that included me. Especially the ones that are single pictures of mine. He blocked all of them.
Thanks for making me see that he was not worth it. I will be fine, and I am going to stuff my face with the leftover wedding food for the rest of the week.
Here were the top rated comments after this, most likely, final update:
So let me get this straight:
If you do a bollywood-style dance at a wedding at your sisters request, it makes him look bad. Because people will look at you and that will make him feel bad.
So to teach you a lesson, he went to a 'club.'
I'm not entirely sure what you were meant to learn from this lesson, other than that he is an a**#ole of astrophysical proportions.
It's so weird. I was star gazing last night with a new telescope, and thought I saw a new star shaped like a giant ar@ehole. Of course I took note of the coordinates, and sent the info to SETI this morning, but I guess it was just OPs ex boyfriend.
To him, women dancing is ALWAYS for the sexual gratification of men. He can’t think of any other reason why women dancing would be anything but provocative. He’s narrow minded, exceedingly sexist, and racist on top of that for denying the cultural importance of the dance. What a piece of s@*t.
I remember the original post and thought you were NTA and that he seemed controlling. Reading this, my opinion of him is even lower. I fail to see how him getting lap dances from a stripper and fondling her is anything like you dancing with someone you consider a cousin. What a disgusting person. Good for you for dumping him.