Woman's sister throw a fit when she 'steals' her special date for her 'dumb wedding.' + Update
"AITA for my wedding date?"
Sea-Mycologist-9715
I (33F) am getting married soon. On January 1 of this year, I announced to my mother and sister (37F) the date of my wedding- 11/11. I wanted a fall wedding-the leaves to be changing and to be cool outside. We chose November.
With the holidays and whatnot, there were only 2 Saturdays in November that made sense. My fiancé chose the 11th, because it's indicative of our dating anniversary. So it was decided, 11/11. I announce the date to my family. My sister became upset.
Her favorite band sings a song that's called 11:11, so she has it tattooed on her. She was engaged to some guy like 15 years ago. They didn't get married, but they were supposed to get married on 11/11 (I had completely forgotten).
It's a week before her wedding anniversary. She was upset because 11/11 is "her thing", and it felt like a slap in the face that I would get married a week before she did, years ago. My sister and I have a tumultuous relationship.
The last fight we got into was at my birthday 2 years ago. We had discussed having a family dinner and I ended up inviting some friends. My fiancé wanted it to be special and about 10-12 people ended up being there.
My sister was livid because, if she had known there were going to be other people there, she wouldn't have come because she didn't feel well. I told her she was never obligated to come and I didn't think I needed to make her aware of the guest list.
Anyway, we ended up not talking for a while but because my sister is stubborn, she has never apologized, doesn't take blame. I eventually just let it go, to appease my mother. So, when I found out she was angry about the date I chose for my wedding, I wasn't having it.
I worked really hard the last several years to establish boundaries with family and friends, and to not be steamrolled. I was hurt my sister made my wedding about her. She told me that I took "her thing" and as a result she wasn't going to be in the country for my wedding. She just booked a random trip.
It's now been 10 months. Her and I have had limited interaction. My mom says to start the conversation with my sister and to let things go because "we all know how your sister can be".
My mom said I should have ASKED my sister first if it was ok to choose that day and I could have approached the subject delicately. This was mind-blowing to me, because my mother and I have to walk on eggshells with my sister.
Over the year, they've discussed how I could have done things differently, or why it couldn't have been this day or that day. My wedding is 2 weeks away and my sister and I haven't talked. I didn't send her an invite because she has not apologized and already said she wouldn't be going.
I see no reason to have to initiate the conversation like always, strengthening the pattern of letting her get her way. It has been heartbreaking to not have my sister there for my activities and it hurts to know that her pride got in the way of spending time with me. But for once in my life I want to stand strong and say I deserve better.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the initial post:
Comfortable-Sea-2454
NTA - your sister is entitled and spoiled and trying to make your wedding all about her. You and your fiance picked the date that made it about you and your relationship. Your sister needs to get a grip, or better yet, get a life!!!
ApparentlyaKaren
NTA and she gets away with it because your mom has always allowed it to.
bibliosapiophile
Anyone who pushes your boundary is now uninvited. F them.
justtired2022
NTA, And your Mom, wow.. If it makes you feel better, my mother scolded me and said that the cut and color of my bridesmaids dresses won't do my sister any justice. And that changing the color would "let your sister shine more" ... Can't make that up... lol
Enjoy your day, feel blessed that your sister isn't there, because it's likely she would have had a whole scene to make it about her.
ConsitutionalHistory
ESH: Yes you should have discussed it with your sis just as a courtesy, yes your sister needs to just get over it, and yes your Mom needs to stop being your sister's enabler.
Three weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: AITA for my wedding date?"
Sea-Mycologist-9715
The day before my wedding, Friday the 10th, my mother came over to my house to help me put some last minute things together. She texted my sister when she arrived saying "just got your sister's, ttyl." My sister responded with "have fun lolol" and followed it up with another text saying "dumb wedding".
Coincidentally, my mother was showing me something on her phone when my sister texted that. Sister tried to immediately delete, which is something I guess iPhones can do to each other?
I give my mom back her phone and at this point I'm so angry I can't sit. I'm pacing around the house. Since the 'dumb wedding' message had disappeared, my mother almost didn't believe it happened.
She texted my sister and asked if she said that. My sister admitted it. My mother asked why she would say something like that and that I saw it. My sister's response was "whelp." Then she wanted to know HOW I saw it.
My anger had immediately turned into sadness and I started crying. I told my mother that it was BS to be treated this way by my sister, who is close to 40. My mother told my sister I was very upset, and said to stop acting 'silly'.
The entire day I spent in a funk. Years of trauma and abuse make me susceptible to other people's emotions and thoughts and I have a hard time snapping out of it (not just family but a horribly messed up first marriage). I'm also trying to rack my brain and figure out genuinely why I deserve this.
At one point, we were at the venue with my mother-in-law who asked me what was wrong. My mother interrupted and said I was tired and winked at me. Later, I told my MIL the truth. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed and I'm not going to lie to protect my sister.
When my mother and sister spoke later that night, my sister tried to change her story. She said that I took it wrong and she meant expensive weddings are dumb. But she has no idea how much money I've spent on the wedding or any of the details. And come on, if that's what she meant she would have clarified immediately.
My mother seemed to sort of believe her BS excuse. My wedding day came, never heard from my sister. The wedding was gorgeous and I'm honestly relieved she wasn't there. Our extended family came into town and my sister scheduled dinner with them the day before the wedding to make sure she could see them, which annoyed me.
It's been over a week and I still haven't heard from her. It further cements my decision to cut things off and not relent, because she knew I was upset and crying about what she said, and she still couldn't reach out to me to set things straight.
Sadly, my mother DID tell her about some of the details of the wedding. She claims she didn't send any pictures. I was upset because I clearly told mom not to give any info about it. But it is what it is.
Here were the top rated comments after this latest update:
Aggressive-Bed3269
Your sister is a horrible, sad shrew, and your mother is a big-time enabler.
I'm glad you cut her out of your day, but also sad that you let her ruin it a bit for you.
Odd_Task8211
Still NTA. Stop granting your sister so much power over your feelings. She isn’t going to change at this point. Congratulations on your marriage.
Comfortable-Sea-2454
NTA - your sister is acting like a spoiled child who didn't get her way. You need to start setting hard boundaries with your mom after she shared wedding details you clearly didn't want shared. Good luck OP, enjoy your marriage and recommend going very, very LC with your sister.
noidea_hh
nta. your sister's behavior was completely disrespectful and hurtful. it's obvious that she meant to insult your wedding and her attempt to change her story later is just ridiculous.
you have every right to be upset and cut her off. it's even more disappointing that your mother didn't fully support you in this situation. stay strong and surround yourself with people who appreciate and respect you.
Fleurtheleast
So, just to be clear: your sister had a failed wedding set for 11/11 FIFTEEN YEARS AGO, and is so upset about yours being on that date that she refused to come and isn't speaking to you, and is throwing rocks and hiding her hands? And also because of a song and a freaking tattoo?
And furthermore she has gone on to marry someone else on a totally different date, but is still so salty about 11/11 that she's being nasty to you? I would love to know how her current husband feels about her being so hung up on a wedding date that has nothing to do with him. I wonder what reason she gave him for her refusal to attend.
If this is indeed the case, dear old sis needs to talk to someone quick, fast and in a hurry. Preferably someone with a medical licence. And, sorry to say...your mom is an enabler and a pot-stirrer. I hope you realize that.
You're still NTA. Please go on to enjoy your life with your new spouse and let your drama queen sister stay gone. Mom seems to need to be put on a temporary information diet because it seems like she's running to your sister to tell her everything. You said it perfectly in your original post. You deserve better.