'AITA for leaving my friend without a bridesmaid?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for leaving my friend without a bridesmaid?"
I (31F) was asked in April to be a bridesmaid for my friend, we'll sat Ashley's (32F) wedding this weekend, July 1st. We went to school together and lived together for a year in college. She announced the engagement in December of 2022 and I already planned to take time off for it.
When she asked me she was clear that it was because one of her other bridesmaids was pregnant and due in August. It's an outdoor wedding in the Midwest with an outdoor reception as well. Ashley's other friend was already having a difficult pregnancy. I was the most similar in height to her. I said I could do it. Great.
The next day I get a PDF itinerary for May and June. Bridal shower in X-town for grandma 1, bridal shower in Y-town for grandma 2, bridal shower in Z-town for future in-laws. Memorial Day party! Dress fitting #3 and #4 were also scheduled in May.
June had 2 Bachelorette parties, one with her mom's family and one with her step-mom's and half-sister's friends and families. Also final dress fitting. Every single weekend in May and June had commitments and some random weekdays too.
I have a WFH job. This was brought up when Ashley asked me to be her bridesmaid. "Oh, you have a flexible schedule and can work from anywhere right?" Yes, technically I can. So, the problem is that I no longer live in the area.
I moved halfway across the country. When I told her that it wasn't feasible for me to be there every single weekend, she told me to just come stay until her wedding was over. Stay where? She and her fiance live in a one bedroom apartment. Then she brought up a hotel. How much would 2 months in a hotel cost? A lot more than I have. I also have pets.
I made it clear to her that I would only be available for the rehearsal and wedding, the week of. I did fly in for 2 days for a fitting and one of the bridal showers in May. I was being bombarded constantly in the group chat after that.
Over the past month I have been told I'm a bad friend for not being there for her, from multiple people. She's been complaining to everyone and even complaining about me to my parents! My mom called me last week about it.
But the real kicker here is that Ashley didn't tell anyone that I lived out of state. She made it seem like I lived in the area still. It wasn't just taking "2 hours out of my day" to go to a bridal shower. I would have to spend 3 hours on a plane, both ways, and 2+ hours dealing with the airport and check in.
My mom said she talked to one of Ashley's grandmas because she went to that bridal shower and everyone was shocked to hear that I didn't live there anymore. But they all still judged me and said "Why would I agree to be bridesmaid if I couldn't be there?"
I was under the impression I was an emergency fill-in for the big day to have an even wedding party. I also made it clear that I wouldn't be available except for the week-of.
I haven't spoken to anyone about this, besides for one friend, we'll say Beth, who lives in the area. She did not go to school there or grow up there. I met her in college and for circumstances, she stayed with my parents for awhile and decided to stay there so she bought a house.
Besides for my parents and some of her daughter's friends and teachers, she doesn't know anyone. She's heard a lot of gossip about me though. Trivial high school gossip from 15 years ago!
Ashley and I did have some issues, but I thought we were past that. We're in our 30s and both have different lives other than a small-town high school. I confirmed with my mom and one of my sister's friends from high school who still lived in the area that these things were being said about me.
I sent a message to Ashley last Wednesday, asking about it. She denied it all. Friday night was her bachelorette party and she and her other bridesmaids bombarded me with nasty messages. And yes, our high school drama was about a boy so I got things like "You're so mad 'Eric' chose Ashley over you."
She's not even marrying Eric and he's 32, working at Dollar General and living with 2 roommates so I say we both dodged a bullet there. There were also texts about deeply personal things I shared with Ashley and that she knew I was self conscious about. I know it shouldn't hurt, but it still does.
The last 2 months have just propelled me back to my adolescence where I was really shy and self conscious and I didn't want to be back as that part of myself. So I text her Saturday morning that I wasn't going to be in her wedding or even be attending.
I apologized for short notice. I didn't bring up what she and her bridesmaids did the night before, just said I wouldn't be coming. I got a lot of angry messages and phone calls. She called me names, said I was ruining her life. I had to block her number, ect.
So here I sit on a red-eye flight back to my home because I had already purchased a flight before I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I'm going to spend time with my mom and my sister's family, and hang out with my best friend.
My mom and sister have already planned to boycott the wedding too. I've been seeing mixed comments on Facebook about my behavior. So am I wrong for leaving my friend high and dry without a bridesmaid?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
OkConsideration8964
She is not your friend. Keep her blocked!
DefrockedWizard1
and they only picked her for her height!
nyvn
Honestly, the bride sounds like she picked OP for the express purpose of having someone to bash. Gotta create drama so you have something to do in a small town.
Bright_Pumpkin_1212
I have a feeling the bride isn't feeling so special for her big event, so they needed someone to put down to make her feel better. I know a few people who did that shortly out of high school. One girl didn't even get married, he left her for the girl she was ripping to shreds.
They ended up getting married two years later, and her wedding party was so stress free. No drama, no fighting, all love and happiness. Like a wedding should be. Except she did invite old girl for shits and giggles. She didn't show up, but man was that all she could talk about on Facebook for two months.
Alternative-Cat9174
that girl was never your friend tbh, her and all ppl siding with her / bridesmaids deserve each other. keep her blocked and live your best life without her, you don’t deserve to be around that type of negative toxic exhausting energy.
A few days later, the OP returned with an update:
It's the morning/afternoon of the wedding. I didn't want to be around town because I was informed though the grapevine that everyone was peeved when I didn't show up at the rehearsal so I went to a movie/shopping with my sister and her family today.
I am an hour away from the events. Ashley's mom tried to contact me last night, but I just ignored it. She called my mom at midnight last night my mom called her back this morning.
Ashley did not tell anyone that I was not going to be at the wedding. Instead of just being like, "Oh yeah, she's not coming," she acted like she had no idea why I wasn't there. My mom told her mom what happened and even showed her messages.
I got messages from some of the groomsmen and extended family members saying I was causing drama on her wedding day. I still have Ashley and the bridesmaids blocked. When asked by people in my family, I just told them that I informed Ashley a week ago that I wasn't going to be there.
I've sent "Ashley knew a week ago" texts to at least 4 people today. One of my family members was like "I don't believe that's true. She seems really upset." And I sent a screenshot of my last text to Ashley before blocking her which basically said "I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I won't be at your wedding. Sorry for the short notice."
I didn't want to respond to messages because I knew that would create the gossip at the ceremony and keep the fire burning, but at the same time Ashley is playing a victim and straight up lying now. I would have been okay if she played the victim and said "OP cancelled on me last minute. Boo-boo." But she's straight up telling people that I just didn't show up. So now I'm really angry.
Some people have suggested just showing up, walking, and then leaving. But does she really want me in her wedding photos, videos, ect? Is that something she'll want to remember down the road? The bleep who ruined her wedding and caused drama? I messaged her sister, who isn't in the bridal party, and asked her what outcome Ashley was hoping to get from all this.
I really want to crash the wedding/reception now though. Should I just be crazy petty or just stay away and try not to let it bother me? And yes, it is cloudy, miserable, and raining off and on. Currently downpouring as I type this at 1:15pm and the ceremony starts at 2:30pm lol
Here's what people had to say after the update:
HyenaShot8896
Ignore the drama, and bs. Go on with your amazing life, and remember while you actually left high school, and grew up, people like Ashley never do. She's doing this crap for attention, and to play the victim to deflect criticism for her bad behavior. You do you OP, and ignore that drama monger.
Vvvvvhonestopinion
Sometimes you just don’t have to do anything and let karma do its job.
The OP also returned with another full update in the comments:
Update: I think this is a much needed update that everyone will enjoy. I know I did. The wedding was cancelled! There was a full-on thunderstorm with hail during the time the ceremony was supposed to take place and it was obvious that the garden area where it was to be performed at was being flooded.
A lot of people were already calling and asking if it had been changed to inside somewhere. They tried to do it at the church where their pastor came from, but there was already a wedding booked with the actual church as its venue and not just renting out an officiate for the day, if that makes sense.
Several of my family members were present for what they described as a full on mental breakdown from Ashley. She even threatened the pastor! She went on a rampage.
People were even trying to be helpful by offering their homes as a smaller venue to get married in and as literally all of the community board members were invited, they even got our town's community building for the reception and said they could just do the ceremony there too. But apparently the community building wasn't good enough for her.
Nothing was good enough for her. There's videos of her rampaging and screaming. She also said terrible awful things about her pregnant friend, the bridesmaid that I was replacing in the first place. A comment of "Why couldn't you have just aborted it and tried again later!?" was dropped, amongst others as like "I hope your baby is born with all these problems."
When I first heard it was canceled I thought I was going to be blamed for that too, but it looks like Ashley hates just about everyone in her life and attacked everyone in front of her, including the groom. I don't know what else happened.
My mom and I ended up meeting up with the family of ours that came from out of town and planned on staying the weekend already. They gave us the rundown at dinner. My cousin is keeping an eye on Ashley's socials.
She hasn't posted anything though. Her mom and her fiancé? just made posts about the wedding being postponed and tagging her. Someone said they might even try to get the church for today after services, but a lot of people won't attend that on short notice, even if they are still in town.
Very few people are talking about me now, but are cringing at the meltdown over the weather that Ashley had and the terrible, awful comments she said about her pregnant friend. I honestly wonder if her other bridesmaids are still on her side. I know some of the groomsmen aren't.
I've been getting messages asking if Ashley was always like this. I think they're trying to protect their bro from her now lol. And yes, she's always had over-dramatic freak outs where you had to ride it out and the next day she'd act like it never happened. You could try and talk to her and she'd just wave you off and be like "That's ancient history."
I guarantee you she'll say that to her pregnant friend too. She'll probably try to show up when that baby is born, act like she didn't wish death and disability on it, and try and hold it. I hope everyone else is able to cut her off and doesn't fall back into her trap. I did that way too many times when I was younger.
Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys that karma! For me, I think my drama is done and over with. I'm in town until Wednesday and will just spend the rest of my weekend doing fun 4th of July events!
Comments continued to roll in after this:
knittedjedi
"She and her fiance live in a one bedroom apartment. Then she brought up a hotel. How much would 2 months in a hotel cost?"
Anything after this is just unnecessary honestly.
9shadowcat9
That fiancé needs to run far, far away while he has the chance.
GroovyYaYa
I'd share screen shots of those bachelorette texts.... just to one or two key people of course.
GlitterDoomsday
The moment the gromsmen started texting her.... bro the way I would be spilling all the tea with receipts and everything in a classic "just between us okay?". I would go as far as insinuate the bride isn't over the dude from high school LMAO
CatmoCatmo
I grew up in a small town where everyone is intertwined whether they want to be or not. This is very plausible. I understand OP trying to keep the peace for the sake of the others involved. But as soon as I heard she was blatantly lying to everyone, spreading rumors and private information about me, and blaming me for everything, well….the gloves would have come off.
I would have sent a massive email or group text to EVERYONE with nothing but facts and receipts. No one deserves to get their name dragged through the mud. At that point there’s no rationalizing it anymore - if she has no qualms about getting that shitty towards me, then I won’t either.
By the time OP got to the week of the wedding, she should have realized that her “keeping the peace” was not only useless, but it was actually harming her and the others around her. By OP not speaking up and publicizing her truth, she left everyone else no choice but to believe the White-Dress-Satan - causing more drama, hurt, and confusion.