Man not invited to friends' wedding because bridesmaid is in love with him, bridesmaid shares her side. FINAL UPDATE
'AITA for saying that i was hurt that i wasn't invited to a wedding that all my old friends were invited to?'
Same_File_502
I (28M) used to have a friend group of about 10 people back when we were in middle and high school then college happened and we all drifted apart. Nothing happened to make us drift apart, Just growing up and losing contact; still friends but not 'talk all the time, hang out regularly' friends if that makes sense. But of course some of us stayed close friends with each other.
One person from this friend group 'Kayla' (fake name) (28F) is getting married in a few weeks. I didn't get an invitation but I wasn't hurt. I understood. We didn't stay close friends.
But then I was hanging out with my best friend 'Bob', (28M) who was also in that friend group, a few days ago and he mentioned that he's going to the wedding. I was a little surprised but I just told him I hoped he had a good time.
He asked if I was going and I told him no, I didn't get an invite. He said that was strange because everyone else from the group was going. Two of them were plus ones as they were dating or married to other ones who got an invite.
But they were all going and Kayla knew it and even told Bob she was really happy that 'the gang was getting back together on her special day'. I told Bob I was kinda hurt by that but I didn't want to make a big deal of it.
Two days pass. Kayla calls me fuming mad that I was 'whining that I didn't get an invite to anyone who would listen'. I told her that I wasn't. I explained to her what happened.
She said that she's been getting texts and calls from other members of the group saying that she should have included me and wanted me to put a stop to it. I said I would do my best and that I was sorry that I caused her this trouble. She thanked me for the apology and hung up.
I called bob and asked him why he spread this around and he said that he didn't mean to. He felt bad that I was hurt and he wanted to ask someone else from the group if they knew why I wasn't invited and she spread it around I guess. Then everyone wanted to know why Kayla cut me out specifically so they started asking her.
So, I made a Facebook group chat with all of them and politely asked them to leave Kayla alone. I said that I was just hurt in the moment and vented about it to my best friend and that's where it should have stayed. They all said okay and apologized to Kayla.
Yesterday Kayla made a Facebook post ranting about me without saying my name and said she had to hire security and give them a photo of me to make sure I didn't try to crash the wedding. This is something I would never do.
The comments under the post were calling her out. She called me again and screamed at me that I was ruining her wedding and told me that some of the friends are considering not going to the wedding now. Well, now I'm just wondering if I should have just kept my mouth shut or stood up for myself or what.
EDIT: I woke up to 160 something notifications on this and im doing my best to answer questions and all that. But, to answer some frequent questions and points:
I'm bi, I have no knowledge of Kayla ever having a crush on me. I don't know if her fiance is gay or bi but I never dated Kayla. I dated someone else from the group back in high school into college but the relationship ended amicably and I'm still good friends with her.
The only notable event that might have made things weird is that we all went skinny dipping once when we were 16 but nothing else really happened there and as far as I know. Nobody was creeped out or anything by it. There was no big political shift in any of us that may have divided us.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the initial post:
pepperbreaker
If the recounting of events is accurate, NTA. Though, I do wonder why she specifically excluded you. In any case, please give Kayla my contact details! With her great attitude and pleasing personality, she would definitely need a divorce lawyer somewhere down the road.
advicediary
Kayla is crazy, you did nothing wrong, NTA
embopbopbopdoowop
NTA. You were asked if you were going. You said you weren’t invited. Your FRIEND (not you) expressed surprise and told the rest of the group. The rest of the group (not you) reached out to the bride. You apologised to the bride for their actions. You asked them to stop.
You’ve already apologised for something that wasn’t your fault. Now she’s spinning this into you wanting to crash the wedding? Anyone now deciding not to go is making a good call, and you’ve dodged a bullet.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update for readers following the story.
'UPDATE: AITA for saying that i was hurt that i wasn't invited to a wedding that all my old friends were invited to?'
Same_File_502
I decided to just do the update here because its so soon after the post and i didn't wanna deal with the mods of AITA being strict about update posts.
Anyway, I finally got an answer as to why I wasn't invited to the wedding. Turns out that someone else from the group named 'Samantha' (again, fake names all around) has had a crush on me for years but has been too afraid to tell me or act on it.
Samantha was in the bridal party of Kayla's wedding and told Kayla that she was finally going to make a move on me at the wedding after all her bridal party duties were taken care of.
Kayla didn't like this and thinks that I'm not good enough for Samantha but she didn't say anything and decided to just not invite me and hope Samantha dropped it.
But when Samantha heard about me not being invited, she could smell the bullsh*t and confronted Kayla, knowing exactly why I wasn't invited and said she wasn't sure she wanted to be in the bridal party after Kayla would do something like this to her.
That's when Kayla called me and flipped out the first time. After the group chat where I asked them to stop, Samantha was so upset that she DID drop out of the bridal party and that prompted the second phone call blow up to me.
Samantha called me this afternoon and told me all this, apologized for all the bullsh*t and asked me out for dinner on the night of the wedding and I accepted. This might seem petty to go out on the night of the wedding but it was Samantha's idea and also Kayla is batsh*t crazy and her number and social media is blocked so I can't get any more calls if she blows up a third time.
Thanks for the judgment and kind words and reassurances in the AITA post.
EDIT: Hi sorry I haven't checked this in a few days. little baby updates for you. Nothing big enough for a full update yet.
The wedding and my date with Sam is next weekend so expect the big update after that. Sam is considering/joking (not sure which) that she's going to wear her bridesmaid dress to the date because she loves the color, she already paid for it and 'she looks fantastic in it'.
I'm a little worried that's too 'shoving it in Kayla's face' but Sam says she deserves it. I also asked Sam if she would be willing to write her own POV here and she said she would love to and that she will after our date when we go back to my place.
Also, Kayla actually sent me a letter in the mail apologizing and asking to unblock her so we can talk about this and 'heal the loose ends'. I didn't unblock her. Sam is completely certain that she's only trying to apologize so that I'll tell the other 4 friends who have dropped out of the wedding to attend it.
Like I said. Big updates next weekend and Sam's POV.
Here were. the top rated comments after this latest update:
lokihen
This is an awesome use of BORU. I never would have seen the final update and it's so worth waiting for. Thanks for posting.
No-Intention1183
This is why I subscribe to BORU! I remember this one and felt really bad for OP. Kayla seemed a bit nuts, making OP apologize for having feelings about being excluded. Hope it works out with Samantha.
HyenaShot8896
Seriously? All that stupid drama just to 'c0ck block' someone? That's just stupid.
ParadoxicalState
Why is Kayla so bothered by Samantha having a crush on OP? If she thinks Samantha deserves better, maybe she should let them explore their feelings, and if it's not meant to be, time will reveal that.
Also, I'm confused about Kayla's behavior - she made a post and got upset with the person she wanted to provoke when the reactions weren't as expected. Very puzzling and concerning.
7 days later the OP provided a short update.
'little baby update'
Same_File_502
Hi, sorry I haven't checked this in a few days. I've got a little baby update for you. Nothing big enough for a full update yet.
The wedding and my date with Sam is next weekend so expect the big update after that. Sam is considering/joking (not sure which) that shes going to wear her bridesmaid dress to the date because she loves the color; she already paid for it and 'my rack looks fantastic in it'. I'm a little worried that's too 'shoving it in kayla's face' but Sam says she deserves it.
I also asked Sam if she would be willing to write her own POV here and she said she would love to and that she will after our date when we go back to my place. Also, Kayla actually sent me a letter in the mail apologizing and asking to unblock her so we can talk about this and 'heal the loose ends'.
I didn't unblock her. Sam is completely certain that she's only trying to apologize so that I'll tell the other 4 friends who have dropped out of the wedding to attend it. Likke Isaid, big updates next weekend and Sam's POV.
True to their word, the OP returned next weekend, including commentary from Sam.
'(probably) FINAL UPDATE'
Same_File_502
Sorry for the delay. The wedding and my date was Saturday. It went very well and Sam spent the night and all day sunday with me and I considered writing this update on Sunday but I just wanted to have fun for a day, you know?
Anyway on to the update.
Out of the 10 people that were in that friend group, 4 went to the wedding. Kayla (of course), one that is Kayla's cousin but still sides with me, her partner, and another who's mom is best friends with Kayla's mom and 'would absolutely kill me if I didnt go, despite all this bullsh*t'.
Sam has Kayla blocked on everything but Kayla has sent her 3 written letters trying to convince her to reconsider dropping out of the wedding and has shown up at Kayla's house twice to try in person.
Sam burned all 3 letters and didn't answer the door both times but told Kayla through the door the second time that if she didn't go away, Sam would call the cops. Kayla called her an ungrateful skank and ran away.
While the wedding was going on, the 3 friends at the wedding were leaking info to Sam and I in a group chat. Kayla replaced Sam in the wedding party with another cousin in a dress that didn't match the others. Kayla seemed happy throughout the wedding and honestly, despite all this, I'm happy that she was happy at her wedding, or at least pretended to be happy, as Sam said she might be doing.
No big drama or blow up or anything happened at the wedding and Kayla and her husband are off to a honeymoon in Hawaii. Which I don't know how well that's going to go with the wildfires going on there right now.
Now, to the date.
It went very very well. We met up at a korean bbq place that I said was good and we just had a great time talking about the past, how long she's had a crush on me (since middle school), talking about the Kayla situation, and just all sorts of stuff.
Afterwards, we went back to my place and spent the night together and all day the next day. She read these reddit posts and a bunch of comments. I said she could make her own account to post her POV or I could just let her use this one and she said she would text me her POV and I could just copy and paste it here so thats what I'm going to do under all this.
Sam and I have a few more dates lined up and the others from the group know about Kayla's reason for excluding me from the wedding and are cheering us on. I'm honestly really happy that this came out of a bad situation.
Thanks to everyone who assured me I wasn't in the wrong, cheered me on through this, and made me laugh with funny comments after I was feeling pretty down and felt like an a**hole that ruined his friends wedding when I clearly didn't do anything wrong and this just kinda happened to me and I handled it as best I could.
Then, as promised, Sam's POV:
Hi Reddit. I'm 'Sam'. He never gave himself a fake name so I'll call him 'Skipper'. I've had a crush on Skipper since about 6th grade but never acted on it for various reason such as my fear of rejection, he was dating my friend for a while, I thought he was gay, things like that.
But when Kayla was getting married, I saw an opportunity to finally go for it. Then I got my bridesmaid dress and saw how incredible I looked in it and that solidified my drive to make a move on Skipper.
I was so excited that I told Kayla about all this and she smiled and said she was happy for me. I took that to mean she was cool with it. Then some time passes and I get word from one of our friends that Skipper was not invited and I was suspicious right away.
Kayla was one of my best friends growing up and I love her but she's always had this underhanded side to her and I suspected that my plan was the reason Skipper wasn't invited, so I asked her about it. She tried to dodge the question and manipulate me but finally she just admitted it and told me that Skipper wasn't good enough for me.
I was furious and told her I was extremely hurt that she would do something like this to me and that I wasn't sure I wanted to be her bridesmaid anymore. She screamed at me and hung up.
Later I was added to a group chat with the other members of the group and Skipper asked us all to drop whatever we were saying to Kayla and I just knew that Kayla had b*tched him out about this but I wanted to respect what Skipper was asking us to do and keep the peace so I kept my mouth shut.
But then Kayla made that Facebook post and I was so upset that I called her and dropped out of the wedding. I understand that's when she called Skipper and screamed at him the second time. A day or two passes and I call Skipper and tell him what happened and ask him out. He says yes, Kayla harasses me for a while in text, calls, letters, and showing up at my house until I block her on everything.
The date went amazingly well and Skipper is an amazing man and I'm so glad I finally asked him out. I read some of your comments and I don't know if Kayla was trying to set me up with someone else. She never said so or alluded to it. I don't think Kayla has a crush on me or Skipper, we were close friends for decades now and she never said anything to indicate that.
And finally, some of you asked me to post a photo of myself in the dress. I'm not comfortable doing that. I look amazing in it but I'm just not comfortable posting photos of myself all over the internet, especially connected to a story like this where it would be easy to connect the dots and probably find out my real name and things like that.
But thanks to everyone that told Skipper he wasn't an a**hole and cheered him on once they found out that I exist and that I was the drama nexus. And as many of you said, I promise that if this relationship goes well and we end up getting married, Kayla will be as far from it as humanly possible.
Here are a couple comments after Sam's perspective was shared:
Effective-Celery8053
Sam kinda skipped over the whole "thought skippy was gay" reason why she didn't ask him out, that's hilarious to me 😂 So happy for skippy and Sam though, hope they stay together, I always root for the people who act on a lifelong crush finally and things go well.
Kayla is f*cking insane. Wouldn't you want to be a potential catalyst to helping your friend find someone? What a sh*t friend she is.
Ok-Airport-4962
I don't know, Sam is kind of an ah here too for wanting to use the wedding to make a move. Use your own event.
horseracez
I remember this one. A handful of people commented that Sam seems kind of shady and surprisingly OP didn’t push back on that. So I’m really interested about what happens next.