Bride refuses to carry framed photo of dead sibling down the aisle. AITA?
"WIBTA if I didn't have any tributes to my dead sibling at my wedding?"
I'm getting married soon and the problem that I've run into is that my parents (and my grandparents by extension) want me to have tributes to my dead sibling at my wedding. My sibling was killed by someone who was in the middle of a mental health crisis.
They were a social worker and it happened when they were working. I hate to sound disrespectful but I feel like my parents are too far into grief and that's the problem I'm running into with my wedding.
My parents have basically turned their house into a shrine. It is filled with pictures of my sibling. On every wall and on every surface. There are pictures in the bathrooms and kitchen even. After my sibling died my parents left their place untouched.
The property management company was willing to leave it alone in the beginning because my parents were grieving. After a few months they wanted us to clear out the belongings so they could get a new tenant and it ended up having to go to court because my parents wouldn't budge.
I ended up having to get my friends to help me move everything out before it was tossed or donated. My parents kept everything and have belongings and things all over the house.
No one is allowed to touch or move the pictures or belongings. Days such as birthdays, holidays, graduations or anything else revolve around my sibling not being here.
I didn't even tell my parents in person that my girlfriend proposed and we were engaged because instead of happiness and congratulations it was all about how my sibling will never get to fall in love or get married. I think after all these years they need to deal with their grief.
My parents want someone in the wedding parties to carry a picture of my sibling up the aisle during the procession. They want an empty seat in the front row where my sibling would have sat.
We aren't getting married in a church so there isn't an altar, so my parents want either a table where an altar would normally be with my sibling's picture or for our officiant to hold the picture during the ceremony.
They want me to wear things that belonged to my sibling on my wedding day. At the reception they want an empty table with a place setting dedicated to my sibling. They want a musical tribute to them before the dancing starts.
They want a slide show about my sibling played before the speeches. They want to have one of the speeches be about my sibling. And during the formal and group pictures they want someone holding my sibling's picture in all of them.
I know people do tributes to dead loved ones at weddings but I don't want to. Some people might suggest I do one thing as a compromise but I don't want to do even one thing. I don't want my sibling mentioned at all.
I want to say right up front that I love my sibling. Their death was devastating and I love and miss them. However I also don't think it's wrong that I want my wedding to be about us and not my sibling.
I didn't even enjoy shopping for my wedding dress because my mom and both of my grandmas were so morose and sad. I want to say I know the whole golden child thing is common on Reddit but my parents always treated us the same. It was only after my sibling died that this started.
Also my sibling was a good person and would not want this. I have tried to get my parents and grandparents into counseling but they won't go. When I told my parents we don't want kids they were upset because they wanted me to name a child after sibling.
My parents aren't paying for my wedding but they want a say. Both of my grandmas and my grandpa agree. I don't have any other family.
I want to add that I know I might be wrong and I might not be. It's difficult because I'm in the middle of this. I miss my sibling too and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm selfish.
Please tell me the truth but don't act like I'm stupid or that I really know the answer if the truth is obvious. I admit I might be wrong but I love my sibling too. Thank you. (Also we don't want to elope. Even if I have no family there, we want my in-laws and our friends there)
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
You are NTA. I lost my oldest son to suicide 5 1/2 years ago. My youngest son is planning on proposing to his girlfriend next month and marrying in May or June of next year. I am beyond happy for my youngest son.
His girlfriend is wonderful. I know that at some point on both days, I will have to find someplace to be by myself and cry. His brother should be here. He should be celebrating with us. What I will not do is put my grief on them.
I wish your parents would accept counseling. They are existing in a dark and painful place. They need to live.
“I’m still here. This wedding is my wedding, it’s about me and my spouse. It’s not for you to make a tribute to sibling. You can either choose to be there for us, or you can stay home and continue to grieve.
I have grieved, and my life is continuing without you. Because you’re stuck. Get counseling please. This is not healthy for anyone. I love you, I loved sibling, but this day isn’t for them or you.”
You are NTA. You are not wrong. Your parents are suffering from an extreme form of complicated grief. They desperately, desperately need grief counseling.
You do not have to allow any tributes to your dead sibling in your wedding if you don’t want to. No photo in the processional. No empty seats in any row of the wedding hall or at the reception. No speeches as tribute to your sibling.
No altars or shrines of any kind. Only you and your intended have the final say in what goes on at your wedding. You have every right to put your foot down and say “No”.
It sounds like your parents want to turn your wedding into a memorial service. Did they hold a service for your sibling? They really need therapy.
Unfortunately, and especially when parents lose a child, some people get so caught up in the trauma and loss that they forget about living. It totally consumes them. Your parents need counseling. What they have going is so outrageous (not meant in a bad way, but their grief is absolutely consuming them) and they don't realize that these actions are pushing you away.
You have the right to make this one day out of your entire life all about you. Stand your ground. NTA