'WIBTA if I tell my best friend about her boyfriend's surprise wedding plans?'
"WIBTA if I tell my best friend about her boyfriend's surprise wedding plans, even though he asked me to keep it a secret?"
I 25f have a best friend Sara 26f. Sara's boyfriend Adam recently called me to discuss a 'surprise wedding'. He wants me to distract Sara the whole day, and surprise her with her family and all our friends back home and they get married in their backyard.
I told him I am not sure this is what she wants (knowing she would hate this as she hates suprises but I didn't want to hurt his feelings), as Sara loves organising and planning things. She has talked about getting married previously, and wants a winter wedding.
Sara had recently confided in me about drifting from Adam and thinking about taking a break. I was quite shocked to hear Adam planning a wedding, a surprise one at that, in front of all of our family and friends.
I encouraged him to instead have a more intimate proposal, as opposed to a surprise wedding, but Adam told me that I don't know what Sara wants and he knows her better.
I told him to talk to her about what she wants in a wedding, hopefully, she would bring up her winter wedding, or what she told me about her relationship to him. Adam is insisting on the surprise wedding however, and says he will ask Sara's sister to distract her the day of instead.
I told him I feel obligated to tell her, as I know she hates surprises and I want her to feel prepared not ambushed at this event. He is calling me TA. I did initially agree to keep this plan a secret, but that was when I thought it was a private proposal, and even then asked him to discuss the future with her first.
I don't want to cause drama in their relationship by telling Sara, and I could be TA if I do. I would ask my boyfriend for advice, but he can't keep a secret and works with Adam.
I feel obligated to tell her, as if it was me, I would want to know. If it's something she does want however I can see how I would be TA. Also, since Adam has told me about it, I feel that if I stay silent and she hates the surprise and then she finds out I knew the whole time she will be upset.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
For the love of all that is holy, TELL HER. You should never surprise marry someone...YWNBTA.
Exactly! I mean, I kind of get the fun of a surprise wedding when it's family and friends you're surprising, but I have NEVER understood this fad of surprising the person you're actually marrying.
I would bet that Adam senses that Sarah is pulling away from him and he’s throwing a surprise wedding with everyone present to push her into the commitment.
100% he knows she’s considering leaving. He’s doing this to back her into a corner.
NTA. It sounds like he's noticed that they are drifting from each other and his idea of fixing it is to peer pressure her into marrying him. Not just getting engaged - married on the spot.
NTA. I've witnessed a surprise proposal in front of a group of friends. The woman was not wanting or expecting a proposal but felt pressured in the moment to say 'yes.' And that's understandable because you can always change your mind and return the ring.
But a surprise wedding is a whole other deal. You can't say no later--by the end of the day you not only exchanged vows but also signed a marriage license. At minimum you'd need to get an annulment.
He thinks he's giving a big surprise, but the real deal is one of 3 things:
1. He may be worried that she will say no to a proposal, and wants to up the peer pressure like 12 notches, or
2. He may not want a big wedding or a winter wedding, so he wants to avoid the whole planning stage.
3. Or in combination of 1 and 2, he's a real control freak, and wants to have everything his way.
Do NOT allow your friend to be blindsided in this way.
NTA. What he’s doing is manipulative and he’s trying to put her in a situation where she’d feel too uncomfortable to say no. It’s a godawful idea, tell her.