"AITA for not telling a coworker I'm married?"
I (27f) attended my work festive party (black tie) on Saturday evening with my husband (30m). The office has been excited for the last couple of weeks about it as it has been the first festive event the company has held in over 10 years. There's been lots of talk about outfits and how much fun it will be etc. We have lots of hybrid and WFH staff, so getting all together is something we were all looking forward to.
My office is split into several departments, and we have two floors in our office building. I don't know anyone outside my own department and I work hybrid. I recognize people from the canteen and the locker room but I don't know their names. There is a guy on the other floor who has a locker near mine, and we have chatted a few times, but only small talk and we never exchanged names.
I never got the vibe that he was trying to flirt with me. On Friday, I saw him and we had a short conversation about the party. He told me what he was going to be wearing and showed me a photo of the new waistcoat he had bought, then told me that he had bought a top hat to wear because he's always wanted one but hadn't had a reason before. I told him his waistcoat looked nice.
(Sorry for rambling, I just want to include all of the details.) At the party we were seated within our own department to start, and then were free to move about after the welcome speech. As it happens, I didn't see Top Hat Guy until I was leaving (I left about 30 minutes before the official end). We made eye contact, so I smiled and nodded but he didn't respond.
I thought maybe he didn't see me after all and thought nothing of it. Today in the office Top Hat Guy spoke to me and told me it was rude to mislead him into thinking I was interested in him and should have told him I was in a relationship because I've embarrassed him and "strung [him] along". He sounded really upset and borderline angry.
I said I didn't do anything to mislead him but apologized for any miscommunication on my part. Had I known he was interested, I would have told him straight away I was married. I don't want to start gossiping in the office and my husband will take my side automatically. I didn't think I was in the wrong but he made me feel like I was.
In response to a question about wearing a wedding ring, OP said, "I do wear one. I can only guess he didn't think to look, or didn't think I would be married."
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Available-Election86 wrote:
NTA. Another guy that thinks that when a woman is polite with him, she's flirting. Don't feel bad OP, he's wrong. But talk to your husband and you might need to talk to HR if he misbehaves again. Just because he gives off many red flags so quickly. I would recommend to talk to HR right now but I'd understand if you don't.
FuzzyMom2005 wrote:
NTA. He didn't even introduce himself and made up some fantasy about you wanting him? And he wore a top hat to a Christmas party? And he thinks YOU embarrassed him? Keep an eye open and be prepared to go to HR. This guy isn't playing with a full deck.
Owned_By_3_Kittehs wrote:
NTA. I hate the whole idea that you're flirting with someone just because you're not rude. Guys, get over yourselves.
NotSoAverage_sister wrote:
NTA. This is why so many women get upset when we are told, "you should smile more!" No, because then random guys I interact with will think I'm flirting with them! I have enough to deal with without having to worry about your offended feelings if I smile too much or too little.
Smile as much as you want or as little as you want, and feel free to be chatty. He strung himself along. All he had to do was shoot his shot and be willing to hear a rejection. Instead, he got offended that you dared to be married and didn't proclaim yourself as someone else's property the moment you met him.
warpedkawaii wrote:
NTA. The top hat and waistcoat just scream that he's a "nice guy" who thinks a woman simply being cordial is flirting. OP you did nothing wrong here, he's just incapable of saying women as anything other than potential dates.