'AITA for telling my family how much my fiancé earns after years of them making fun of his job?'
"AITA for telling my family how much my fiancé earns after years of them making fun of his job?"
My family is very well educated and full of professionals including several doctors, surgeons, dentists, etc. I have a good career and make a good living.
When I met my fiancé, he was at my house to supervise a roofing crew the insurance company hired to replace my damaged roof. I instantly fell for him when he pulled up in his truck and couldn’t keep my eyes off of him for the rest of the day as he gave orders to his men. When we started dating, he was vague about his job and I just chalked it up to him being insecure about me having a better career.
I didn’t care about our income imbalance. When we got serious, we talked about our future plans and that was when he told me the full extent of his little construction company. I was shocked that his earnings from his construction work are essentially the same as my dad’s surgeon salary.
Gradually he took me around to the handful of construction lots and shopping centers he owns. His rental income combined with his construction earnings is double that of my dad’s. He said that few people know about his finances and he expects me to keep what I know to myself.
My parents disapproved of him since the 1st time I brought him home. My dad coined the term “tool boy” and the rest of my family joined in whenever they talk behind my fiancé’s back. They don’t call him that to his face but instead make snide remarks.
Once my mom said during dinner that they’re thinking about hiring someone to mow their lawn then turned to my fiancé and asked him what he charges. I always try to defend him and it’s a constant battle. It’s gotten worse since we’re planning our wedding and the other day my nerves just broke.
Yesterday my parents were trying to convince me to set up a prenuptial agreement. My dad said, “you have to protect your assets just in case 'tool boy' decides to go slumming.”
I lost it and yelled at my parents. During our shouting, I blurted out his earnings and that he makes more than both of them combined then I stormed out. I told my fiancé what happened but instead of supporting me, he got mad that I told his parents that. I argued that I was defending him then we got into an argument.
My parents and family are mad at me for keeping secrets. My fiancé is mad at me for not keeping secrets. I’m stuck in the middle and don’t know what to do.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
[deleted]
INFO: Does your fiancé care that your family thinks so low of him solely based off the assumption he doesn't do well financially? Or does he not care because he knows they're wrong?
RedBee7763 OP responded:
TBH, he doesn’t care what people, including my parents, think. When my family make snide remarks, he laughs with them until it makes them uncomfortable. He’s the most confident person I’ve ever met.
monsteramoons
Sounds like your husband likes to build relationships on foundations and merits outside of his finances. Meanwhile your family looks down on anyone they deem lesser earners than themselves. I know who's corner I'd be in. Apologize to your husband and tell your family to stuff it.
Sorry, but YTA. There are plenty of other things you could have said to illustrate how f*%$#@g horrible your family was being. You didn't have to throw out numbers. Now, if you family starts acting better, he'll always know it's on the basis of his earnings, not his character.
Edit: And husband will always know that your knee-jerk reaction was to be like, 'BUT HE DOES MAKE MONEY' rather than 'Who cares what he makes? He MAKES me happy! He takes care of me! He treats me! We're good partners with the same life goals! We love each other! Support that or shut up!!!'
ArmadsDranzer
Yeah OP dropping how much her fiance makes to tell off her family seems unlikely to improve their relationship. Odds are good the family will still look down on him anyway and now OP can't be trusted to keep his secrets.
makethatnoise
YTA. He's a grown man who can defend himself. If he wanted to defend himself to your family, he would have done so already, or made it well known how much he owns / makes when he met your family. He did not.
He told you to keep what he owns and makes to himself, and you didn't. He has every right to be upset about that. You weren't defending him to your parents, you were defending yourself to your parents. If your parents act like this often, why do you see them?
variantkin
Eh OP is definitely TA but she was frustrated they hate the man she loves so openly. Constant assault like that from family can make you do things you normally wouldn't. Apologize to the fiance tell the family to go f*ck themselves and move on.
Allaboutbird
YTA. You love your fiance, and of course it hurts when your parents make fun of him, but be honest- you didn't do this to defend him. You did it to defend yourself and your choice to marry him. You knew that he doesn't want people to know about his finances so clearly betraying that trust wasn't a favor to him.
Even if he made a lot less, he would still be a worthy human that you love. All you have done is reinforce the notion that it's okay for your parents to look down on 'poor' folks, by letting them know that your fiance isn't one of the 'poor folks.' They honestly sound awful, and I can't believe your fiance has put up with this treatment for this long, and I can't believe you've allowed it to continue.
_mmiggs_
YTA. Your fiancé told you how much he makes in confidence. You broke his trust because you were angry with your relatives. That makes you the clear a**hole. And then you doubled down and tried to claim that breaking his trust was OK because you were defending him.
Here's the thing. Your family are snobbish a**holes, and will likely always be snobbish a**%#les. Their opinion doesn't matter. You are marrying your fiancé. There is no 'middle' - you're an adult and aren't obligated to meek Mommy and Daddy happy, or to pay any attention to their nonsense.