Guy asks if he needs to propose to GF after she finds ring he's keeping for friend.
Once you're in a happy, healthy, long term relationship, it's only natural to start daydreaming about the next step: getting that ring on your finger and your impatient mother off your back. But imagine if that ring you found in his drawer wasn't for you.
That's exactly what happened when a Redditor decided to help his best friend out by hiding the friend's ring so his soon-to-be-fiancee Grace wouldn't find it. Of course the Redditor's girlfriend discovered it, and assumed it was intended for her.
He went to Reddit for relationship advice on how to handle the fallout with his girlfriend, Laura, explaining they've been together for two years and have had an amazing relationship (so far) until now.
I've been dating my girlfriend Laura for just over two years. We met as I was finishing my masters and she was in her last year of undergrad as we attended the same university. We have a pretty strong relationship overall, we get along well and have pretty similar views/goals in life, and I love her a great deal.
She's definitely been the healthiest relationship I've ever had and I see a strong future with her. This weekend has been awful, however.
His friend Rob asks him to do a simple favor: hold on to an engagement ring intended for Rob's girlfriend until Rob proposed so she wouldn't find it.
My best friend Rob came to me about a month ago and told me that he had a plan to propose to his long term girlfriend Grace of about seven years. The problem was that they live together and she's a very clean person, and he was afraid she might find the ring while cleaning before he was ready to propose. I offered to hide it for him at my house until he was ready, and he handed it over.
I hid it in the back of my sock drawer and honestly kind of forgot about it until last Monday when he asked for it back. He (successfully!) proposed to Grace yesterday, and she posted a picture of the two of them on her instagram with the ring clearly visible. the newly engaged couple shared their happy news on social media. And Laura did not take it well.
Then Rob proposed and she said 'yes'! The newly engaged couple shared the news (and the ring) on social media... and the Redditor's girlfriend became very upset. She had discovered the rings weeks ago and thought it was for her.
Literally five minutes after she posted, Laura rang me absolutely fuming. She told me she'd found that ring three weeks ago, so why had I given it to Rob for Grace when I'd clearly chosen it especially for her? Was Grace mocking her with her post, just rubbing her nose into the fact that she'd 'stolen' her ring?
I tried to talk her down and explain that I'd just been keeping it safe for Rob and that I'd never intended to propose to her with it but that only made her more upset and she starting screaming at me that I'd absolutely built up her hopes and just destroyed them. She hung up on me, then texted me that I had three months to propose to her with 'a better ring than Grace's' or she's going to break up with me.
Now the Redditor has an unhappy girlfriend and worries she might have violated his privacy. He has started questioning their once-stable relationship.
Am I wrong for thinking this is a red flag? I know that she probably was really excited and I absolutely never meant to hurt her feelings with all of this, but the ring was never for her and she never should have known about it. We don't live together and I don't know what she was doing snooping in my drawers, or when she had the time to look in there, or what she was looking for her.
More than that, I am 100% not ready for marriage. We've only been together for two years, haven't lived together, haven't even talked about marriage yet. I want to be living together for at least a year before we get engaged. What do I do?
One commentor laid the situation out in the most empathetic way, putting everyone in the girlfriend's shoes .
Wade_NYC perfectly summed it up from the girlfriend's perspective, writing:
Your girlfriend finds a ring, and naturally assumes the ring is for her. (Why else would you have tried to hide it in the sock drawer?!) For a month, she does her best to play it cool, but her heart is singing. She's picturing the ceremony, who she'll pick as her bridesmaids, the dress she'll wear. Maybe she tells some close friends they'll be bridesmaids. They tell everyone else.
They try to figure out the next dinner you've planned with her so they can get your girlfriend a manicure... for those instagram proposal pictures she's a little embarrassed to be so excited about.
She tells her mother, who tells the whole family, and everyone's buzzing with anticipation. Her parents, if you've met them, expect you to get in touch soon to ask their blessing. She assumes this proposal is going to be in the next month or so, and any time you make plans she wonders what your real plans are.
The commentor describes how Laura has built this proposal up in her mind for weeks, only to have her world come crashing down that moment Rob and Grace share their big news on Instagram. He theorizes she is going through the classic stages of grief.
Imagine how crushing it must be— how tied in knots her stomach is— when she sees the ring— her ring— on someone else's finger. For a month, she's had her whole life figured out. In a moment, everything is instantly gone.
She zooms in on the ring in a cold sweat, and it feels like you've broken up with her. She's temporarily unable to process things in the most rational way. She processes her grief the way many people do—In a textbook stages of grief way.
First comes Denial. This must all be a mistake and that ring is for her.
She's clearly in Denial. She refuses to accept the ring was not for her, so she grills you on why you gave it away. Her heart is beating through her chest. It doesn't make sense to her. There's no way it was for another girl, it was in your dresser!
Following this stage comes Anger. All at once and all directed at her boyfriend for embarassing her.
Next up, we've got Anger. In a classic frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion, she screams at you for ruining the life she's mentally been settling into for a month. She's got a dozen people she needs to lose her dignity in front of, and countless others through the grapevine. And why? Because of you. (It seems.)
The Bargaining stage hits next. She wants to make her vision still work and presents an ultimatum.
Then comes Bargaining. Seeking in vain for a way out. Like when Kevin, from The Office, spills his chili, and tries to sweep it back into the pot off the floor. Or when Kevin, from The Office, crushes a turtle and tries to glue it back together.
She's trying to piece back together this fantasy she's had for a month, compounded by family and friends, at all costs. Silly as it is— pointless as it is— she's determined it make this work. So she gives you a crazy ultimatum. Crazy enough to work? Well, you came here, so maybe.
Depression is the final stage. And the commentor points out she is grieving but still made mistakes in how she handled the situation.
She's probably working through depression right now. I think she's totally valid in grieving. Marriage is a big deal, and in a way, she's going through a change not similar to a breakup right now.
I don't think she's valid in directing it at you. She snooped, and she got her punishment for it. A bigger punishment than she was expected, and a punishment that came completely out of her own actions. Hopefully, with a little time, she'll cool off, rescind the ultimatum, and be deeply apologetic. And then you can cautiously move forward in the relationship.
While other commentators advise the Redditor to stand his ground if he's not yet ready to propose to his girlfriend.
Persephone_cap writes:
rule #1 don't ever get married if you're not ready! i wont even touch on her reaction and proposal demand.
KloudToo added:
Ultimatums are always deal breakers, period. If you are mature enough to work out your issues between one another, you're sure as hell not responsible enough to be married. And an ultimatum on marriage? Yeah that's an easy answer to that one.