Dad gets new GF with same terminal illness as wife right after she dies. Family freaks.
When this daughter doesn't know what to feel after her mom's death, she asks Reddit:
'AITA? My dad has a new gf. I'm on his side?'
My mom died a month a ago. A week after, my father got himself a girlfriend. He told us he is madly in love with his gf. My mom had a neurodegenerative disease for 30 years and my father was the primary care taker. He took good care of her. We knew how tired he was but he always said he wouldn't trade it for the world. To be honest, it wasn't a surprise that my mom was dying. It was a matter of when.
After she died, my father wanted everything hers out of the house immediately. He said it was too hard to see her things around. He also told us the house was too quiet and it was very difficult for him to be alone. A week after, he announced he has a girlfriend and she is a mutual friend of theirs for 20+ years. We were shocked.
My sister became very angry with my dad and I was too at first. We excluded the gf from our family gatherings. Our sis told her kids that she was disappointed with dad. (My dad loves the grandkids. They are his Achilles heels.) Everytime my dad talked about her, we would try to change the topic. We did not hide our dismay.
His GF told her family about dating our dad and they didn't take it well. GF wasn't invited to any Christmas dinner. She was alone in her house. After talking with some Redditors, I started to sympathise with dad. He had said his goodbye years ago. He is 70+ yrs old. He has waited for 20+ years already.
My birthday is coming up and I plan to invite her to my b-day dinner and tell my sister. My sis is very opinionated. She has made it very clear that she doesn't like the new GF. She calls her 'our replacement mom'. I know siding with dad will upset sis. AITA if I choose to side with dad. I want him to be happy. He is now enjoying his life. (Going out several times a week. In the past, he had to stay home with mom.)
Update: I forgot to mention that the new gf also has the same neurodegenerative disease, albeit much more mild. Also she isn't new to us. She is a long time family friend. I don't know if this is pertaining to this post. AITA?
Let's find out.
dovechocolatebar writes:
YTA. Dad is TA. I think the big issue is your dad immediately tried to erase ALL traces of your mom within a week. Not just start dating someone. your sister has every right to be upset. YOU guys just said bye to her. He needs to put you both first and he didn’t.
He might have said goodbye long ago, but you and your sister said goodbye a week before. In 7 days your dad expected your sister to have an empty house, no trace of her mom, and a new step mom. He’s TA x 1000000000000. I hope you see this from a new POV to understand your sisters pain. He’s not just dating, he’s erasing.
accomplishedbar writes:
Actually, it is a pretty ordinary reaction for a long-term caregiver. Your dad has had very much a patient instead of a partner 24/7 for years. I think you and your sister cannot comprehend this yet. Although you care for a partner with love, it is a physical and emotional self-sacrifice that takes so much toil, that it is a releave to be free again.
In a care situation you grieve the partner long before they are gone. This is a natural process which enables the care otherwise you would resent the partner and disengage. Your dad needed the closure. Additionally, a warning: Your dad is in a high danger of a physical breakdown (also a reaction from the releave of care situation). Having a new partner might help preventing this.
gasmansleepydude writes:
Dude is 70 years old and has been caregiver for 30 years! Who know what degree of presence his wife had for the last several years. Could be from fully there all the way to fully dependent vegitable. Sounds like this guy had said his goodbyes years ago and maintained care and fidelity until the end but advanced a relationship rapidly with a family friend after the end. Sister is probably somewhere between 40-50 years old, not a dependent.
Yeah, was fast. Yeah, clearing the house quick probably hurt the sister. But it is his life to live and who know how much longer time he has himself. Hell perhaps this relationship has been going for years for he support his wife was not able to give. I know of cases where the person with the degenerative illness even gave their blessing though things were kept from family.
So yeah, it could have been handled better but how long does the sister want her father to be alone and morn before he is 'allowed' to start dating again? Probably some family therapy and communication assistance would be helpful. That said, OP is NTA.