Man asks if he's be wrong to give late wife's heirloom to new wife's daughter.
It can be difficult to navigate one's relationship to step children, especially when if children from your first marriage are still in your life. To make things more complicated, what if your first partner passed away, and your children from that marriage are dealing with the grief of that loss?
When this man struggles to decide whether to give his late wife's special heirloom to either their daughter or his new wife's daughter (his stepdaughter and true member of the family), he takes to the popular Reddit Forum to ask:
'AITA if I give a family heirloom belonging to my late wife to my adopted daughter?'
My late wife Kate passed away about 12 years ago. They have a family heirloom that has passed down several generations (starting from her great grandmother) from mothers to their first daughters, on their 18th (or thereabouts) birthdays.
The heirloom itself is not highly valuable in a financial sense, but the history makes it very valuable to the people in the family. I currently possess it after Kate passed away and I always intended to give it to my daughter, Claire, on her 18th birthday. She is currently 16. -JustHere5550
Well, it seems like the logical answer is...give the heirloom to Claire when she turns 18. But it gets more complicated...
I married my current wife about 8 years ago. My step daughter, Sarah, (whom I have adopted and consider my own daughter) is 17 years and 11 months old, her 18th birthday is in a month. My wife has also adopted Claire, my late wife's daughter and we all consider each other as just one family.
That's great. I'm glad they all seem to get along despite the loss of OP's first wife. But then, it gets weirder...
My wife asked me to give the heirloom to Sarah on her birthday to continue the tradition. I was hesitant because I always intended it to give it to Claire who is Kate's only daughter as this is what she would have wanted and is the continuation of the tradition.
My wife counters that this belongs to our family now and we should give it to our eldest daughter on her 18th birthday, and therefore this should be Sarah. I told her that while I consider Sarah to be my daughter but she's not Kate's daughter, this belongs to Kate and should go to Kate's daughter.
Seems like OP's new wife is being a little pushy and insensitive.
My wife said Claire is HER daughter, not anyone else's and wife accused me of playing favorites and told me that if I truly consider Sarah to be my daughter then I'll do the right thing for her or that I haven't really accepted Sarah as a real daughter yet.
I consulted my son (from Kate, 25 years old) and he told me that if I do this (give the heirloom to adopted daughter) he's going to walk from the birthday party and that he bets he won't be the only one. He said if I do this I should be ready for severe consequences. He left in a very frustrated way. His argument in the end was that 'this isn't yours to give away. It was mom's and now belongs to Claire.'
Oh man...this family drama never ends. Now the SON is involved!
My wife thinks my son is overreacting and it's only because due to his age and moving out he's never bonded with Sarah like Claire and I have, so he doesn't consider Sarah to be his real sister, otherwise he'd be happy for her.
My wife thinks Claire will be happy about this since she considers Sarah to be her big sister and it will bring the girls even closer together because Sarah will happily share it with Claire and they'll both have it. So would I be the asshole if I did what my wife wants me to do and give the heirloom to Sarah?
Wow. This is some really juicy and emotionally charged drama! The Reddit mob was very opinionated..as they should be. It's such a tough situation. Let's take a look at some of their takes.
YTA for even considering it. Your wife is also an even bigger AH for pressuring you to do it. It belonged to Kate. It's you who adopted Sarah, Kate didn't. It should stay with Kate's children. Give it to Claire on her 18th birthday. I don't trust your wife around it. You should seriously consider giving it to your son (or ideally Kate's mother, if she's still alive) for safekeeping. - Lilalalina
OP is NOT the AH. The new wife is. If she likes the tradition then she needs to start up her own one to pass down. Even if she doesn’t have something of her mothers She can buy or personalize something of her choice to pass to her daughter and ask her to pass it down. She cant hijack another woman and family’s heirloom from the rightful recipient. Thats just disgusting and disgraceful. - careless_mango
YTA. I'm wondering if it's actually about the tradition or accepting Sarah as his own at all, or if it's actually about OP's current wife 'winning' against his dead wife; after all, they didn't separate, she died, and possibly would still be together if not, so by getting OP to give his dead wife's heirloom to her daughter, his wife could feel like he's showing her he values her more than his first wife. -lilgremlinbeneath
Also- I'm not sure if it's been said but OP you better also be very vigilant if/when Claire gets married. Your wife may try to erase all traces of Claire's mother from that, too. What a psycho. NTA unless you go through with giving it to your step daughter. - yupsuredid
This user takes things a step further...
OP, I don’t wanna tell you how to live your life, but if you truly believe you need to hide this from your wife to prevent her from giving it to Sarah, then maybe it’s time to reevaluate your marriage.
If you’re just letting your son keep it for sentimental reasons until Claire turns 18 that’s one thing; but if you feel your deceased wife’s family heirloom isn’t safe around your new wife, then what kind of a partner is she? It seems to me she is showing you a side of herself you haven’t seen before, and it’s a very ugly side. -turtlethemoon