Parenting is very hard and extremely rewarding, like crossfit, except minus the part where you get to cry and give up after five minutes because it's just 'not for you' (that was my experience with crossfit).
It is seriously badass to endure the mental, physical and emotional challenges involved in taking care of a child (or more than one- yes, people do this!!!). So if you're a parent and you're reading this, thank you for taking precious time from your day to read this as you hide out in the bathroom. May you stay as strong as your coffee!!!!
Enjoy this roundup of tweets from parents who hilariously captured the realities of parenting as only a parent can:
1.)
Me: I'm struggling with some demons today
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 22, 2022
Wife: I thought I told you to stop calling our kids that
2.)
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
— Unfiltered Mama 💗✌️ (@UnfilteredMama) May 5, 2017
3.)
Sometimes I look down at my newborn baby, suckling away at 3AM, and I think: "You better fucking defend me when your spouse calls me a psychopath."
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) March 21, 2022
4.)
my son told someone his favorite show is love is blind is that ok
— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) March 21, 2022
5.)
I’m just a mom rushing through a quick shower or as society would call it, absolutely basking in self care
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) March 17, 2022
6.)
I put 5’s peas in a bowl but she wanted them on her plate so I put them on her plate and they touched the pasta so I gave her the bowl back but it was too late I’d already ruined her life
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) March 23, 2022
7.)
(braless, post school drop-off, groceries in the backseat) Is this the gangster's paradise people sing about?
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) March 21, 2022
8.)
Being a mom means always having people talk to you when you’re not in the mood to listen, and having those same people ignore you when you’re in the mood to talk.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 22, 2022
9.)
Some days parenting is really fun. Some days parenting is hard because your kid has decided they’re a dog and will only respond to you if you pretend they’re a dog.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) March 20, 2022
10.)
Teach a child to play Uno and you will occupy him for a lifetime, or at least what feels like a lifetime when you have to play 5347 games in a row
— meghan (@deloisivete) March 25, 2022
11.)
My son just said IKEA is grownup Legos and I’ve never felt more connected and seen.
— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) March 24, 2022
12.)
My 6yo would like a second bath towel so he doesn't, and I quote, "get butt on my face."
— Xennaissance Dad (@XennDad) March 23, 2022
13.)
Hi sorry I didn’t reply. My baby will only nap if I’m holding his entire butt in my hand and if my hand moves even a tiny bit from his butt he envisions his entire home planet exploding and loses his mind with sorrow.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) March 13, 2022
14.)
I love how unabashedly kids make friends at the park.
— Unfiltered Mama 💗✌️ (@UnfilteredMama) March 20, 2022
My daughter: My mom is over there (points). She dyes her hair.
New friend: That’s my mom there (points). She’s 46 and she’s on a diet.
15.)
It’s dad law that if you encounter a group of children building a sand castle at the beach, you have to ask them if they have the appropriate permits.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) March 14, 2022
16.)
While my son was brushing his teeth with HIS toothbrush, his sister started arguing with him that he was actually using HER toothbrush and the most horrifying thing to come from this dispute was the toothbrush in question was actually MY toothbrush.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 24, 2022
17.)
me: how is your pancake, bud?
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) March 25, 2022
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
18.)
If you’re wondering if parenting is for you, I just heard a voice say “howdy partner!” and turned around to see my 3 yo wearing his potty seat on his head like a cowboy hat.
— Upside Dad (@UpsideDad) March 14, 2022
19.)
Have kids so instead of waking up to an alarm clock you can be jarred awake by a 6yo two inches from your face letting you know the toilet is clogged.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 9, 2022
20.)
What position is it in soccer where my kid tries to find a four leaf clover?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 25, 2022
21.)
Preschools will be like “we are an immersive program that enriches your child’s world by expanding their horizons and connecting them with all the skills they need to succeed and the tools they need to socialize with their peers. The school is from 9am-11am Tues and Wed”
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) March 15, 2022
22.)
5: today in school, we talked about what to do if you have anxiety
— Marissa 💚🍃💛 (@michimama75) March 15, 2022
Me, grabbing a note pad and pen: go on
23.)
My search results history in Spotify give a hint that MAYBE one of my boys got into my account. pic.twitter.com/mEFpucyWYo
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 24, 2022
24.)
Those first few days with a newborn baby are challenging. After that, it’s only the next two decades that are challenging.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 23, 2022
25.)
I asked my daughter if she thought she had been in the bath long enough and she said “the water will tell me when it’s time to get out” so there ya have it
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) November 29, 2021
26.)
I don't know if there's a right time for your preschooler to whisper, "are humans made out of meat?" in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 8, 2022
27.)
Parenting in 3 steps:
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 15, 2022
(1) Your kid gets a little cold
(2) They sneeze on you
(3) Now you have Ebola
28.)
No parenting book tells you how to get pudding out of the charging port of an iPad.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 3, 2022
29.)
I would never say I have a favorite child but one of mine is 8 pounds and just sleeps and drinks milk from my body letting me burn 800 calories a day while sitting and the other called my dress “busy” and screams at me if his granola is too close to OR too far from his yogurt.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) March 5, 2022
30.)
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) March 16, 2022
31.)
today my three year old grabbed my hand and said “mommy…why is life?” lol girl idk let me know if u figure it out
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) March 15, 2022